Is His Goose Cooked?

Recently, our normally quiet, law-abiding community was thrown into turmoil due to a tragic crime committed by one of our residents. According to news reports, an irate local golfer managed to kill a Canada goose with his golf club.

No, it wasn’t an accident.

The golfer apparently intended to commit the alleged crime for some unknown reason. Understandably, the local community – golfers and non-golfers alike—is up in arms about the fowl deed and demanding that the accused receive the appropriate penalty. When Hubby and I first heard about this case, we thought it was a joke. It’s not. The man was arrested, posted bail, and pleaded not guilty in local Superior Court. He now awaits trial, and if found guilty, the imposition of the appropriate penalty. Most people who’ve been polled recommend a hefty fine and banishment from local golf courses.

This dastardly crime got me thinking: What are the appropriate actions or remedies for dealing with an irate goose that attacks you on a golf course? I’m talking about the average golfer minding their own business and enjoying a game of golf on a nice day, when suddenly a goose attacks them.

According to my sources, if a goose chases a golfer, the best action is to back away slowly, maintain eye contact, and avoid sudden movements or loud noises. If the goose continues to show aggression, consider using a deterrent, such as a loud whistle or a stick for protection.

What if you accidentally kill it?

In that case, you are advised to report it to the golf course management and local authorities, as harming or killing a goose is generally considered illegal without the appropriate permit or legal excuse.

I had my own tragic experience with a goose attack while golfing years ago. As I was getting ready to tee off on a par 3, unknown to me, a goose came strutting up behind me and was preparing to goose me in the butt! Hubby was sitting in the golf cart watching all this, but he had a terrible conflict. He didn’t know if he should yell out and interrupt my golf swing, which is taboo in golf, or remain quiet and hope for the best. He wasn’t sure the goose would bite me once it got a good look at my butt. I don’t know precisely why he thought that, but I did detect a bit of jealousy. Yes, I got goosed, and it wasn’t my best drive!

Geese also create problems due to their natural instincts. They can become quite aggressive when defending their nests or mates, which is the primary cause of negative interactions between geese and humans. One day, I heard a golfer yelling and raving on our golf course. I ran out to my patio and saw a guy chasing a goose with his golf club. How mean is that? Of course, I shook my head, tsk-tsked him, and gave him the evil eye.

A friend of mine had his own experience with a goose. He hit a perfect drive down the middle of the fairway but couldn’t find his ball. Unbelievably, it had disappeared! He took a provisional and hit another ball, thereby losing a stroke. As he proceeded down the fairway, he looked back and saw a large goose fly away, exposing the golf ball he had been sitting on. Should he be charged a penalty stroke? (The golfer, not the goose!)

Recently, I was enjoying lunch outdoors with friends at their home overlooking a lush golf course. Suddenly, there was a loud boom! We all ducked. What happened? The golf course maintenance crew was setting off loud charges to scare the geese away. Flocks and flocks of geese took to the air. Golfers were ducking right and left! I was thankful to be in a covered area. I get goosebumps when I think of it.

If you are a golfer, you know geese are not your friend. Why? Geese are a nuisance on golf courses because they leave copious droppings that can pose health risks and severely damage the course. As a golfer, I can attest to the frustration of having your ball land on goose droppings. Golfers are warned not to handle their dirty balls. According to USGA rules, you cannot pick up and clean your ball unless you are on the putting surface. Watching a PGA golf match on TV recently, a flying goose dropped a load of poop on a golfer’s shirt. Embarrassed, the golfer put his jacket on so viewers wouldn’t see him walking around with the goose deposit. It completely clashed with the color of his shirt. The TV commentators took great glee in mentioning the incident – I also enjoyed it, and honestly, that’s all I can recall of that golf match!

As I ponder the problems geese cause golf courses, I recall something from my past. I grew up near one of Minnesota’s 10,000 beautiful lakes, and when I asked my father why so few people fished there, his simple response was, “GEESE!” During the fall migration season, geese from Canada fly South, stopping on Minnesota lakes to enjoy the food, habitat, and foliage, leaving tons of slimy green memories of their visit. Their journey reverses in the spring, flying North to Canada and stopping on Minnesota lakes again. To make matters worse, each pair will have produced five goslings, significantly increasing their flock numbers.

So what’s the big deal? That fifteen-foot deep lake near me sees between 120,000 and 150,000 geese each season! What happens when geese eat? That’s right! They go up to 26 times a day for 2 pounds per goose. (I often wonder who is researching this stuff? And I think I have nothing to do!) Would you want to launch your fishing boat in this mess? And how do you suppose the fish feel about this onslaught of goose droppings?

So why not hunt those geese? Hunting is allowed in Minnesota, but only for a few months in the fall. Each hunter is limited to 5 geese daily, allowing a maximum of three shells per shotgun magazine. Not being a hunter, I don’t know whether the goose or the hunter has a better chance.

Then there are the goose lovers. Why do they love geese? Because geese have many human traits. For one thing, they mate for life. I know many humans who don’t mate for life! If they lose their mate, after a lengthy mourning period, a goose may find a new mate. While grieving, they hang their heads, make sad, mourning noises, and refuse to eat. Others from the flock try to comfort and encourage them to migrate with them.

Why do geese honk while flying? – to motivate the other geese to keep going! There is no permanent lead goose. They take turns to lighten the leadership load. They are considerate of their peers! Last but not least, geese are beautiful creatures, and people like to look at them. So with all these attractive traits, many folks are empathic to geese.

Back to a golfer killing a goose. Is it against the law? Yes. It can lead to a fine and imprisonment. Depending on the jurisdiction, it can be a misdemeanor or a felony. Having been a goose victim, I understand having a personal vendetta against one of them. However, growing up on a farm and being a Presbyterian to boot, I don’t believe in purposely harming any animal.

I recently read an interesting article about a goose being chased by two golfers in their golf carts, eventually killing it. The goose was frantically trying to get away. The golfers laughed hysterically when they ran over their prey. Witnesses of this horrific event went to the clubhouse and reported what had happened. The villains’ rental golf carts were found abandoned in the parking lot littered with beer cans. Their score cards, containing their names, were also left on the carts. Their names were turned over to the authorities, but the culprits have yet to be found. Do you think the authorities worked very hard to find them?

It isn’t fun to be bit or crapped on by a goose. I suppose you could only golf on courses that do not allow geese. However, if you do take your chances, my advice is to “DUCK.” Meanwhile, our community awaits the verdict on the golfer who killed the goose on a local golf course. The jury is still out.

Do you have any thoughts on this case or the overall subject of man interfacing with nature? Your comments are always welcome and appreciated.