It’s been said that saying “Thank You” is among the most under appreciated and under utilized phrase in the English language. Why is that, do you suppose? Aren’t people thankful? Aren’t people grateful? Is it just poor manners?
I’ve been thinking about the subject of gratitude a lot lately. Recently, I felt I was due a thank you or two, but I didn’t get a one. Hubby and I had sent Amazon cash birthday gift cards to two family members. Neither recipient sent us a thank you or even called us! We fretted. They must not have received them, we said. But, it turns out they did. How do we know? Because they cashed them!
Here’s our dilemma. Should we continue to give them birthday gifts in the future? We do love them, of course, and they are family after all. In the past, I have always chosen to take the high road in such matters, and continued to give to those who didn’t necessarily express their gratitude. Now, for some reason, I’m beginning to rethink that position. Being a victim and a martyr doesn’t quite appeal to me anymore.
Should we give a warning to the ingrates in advance, establishing new ground rules? No Thank You = No Future Gifts? The problem with that heavy-handed approach is that you would never really know in the future if they truly felt grateful or were just following orders. It’s a real conundrum.
Recently we were invited to attend several high school graduations and they are really far away. We know we’re not really expected to attend the ceremonies. Are they just being kind by including lovely photos of themselves? Are they proudly sharing a personal achievement? Are they expecting a gift in return? Once again, my Presbyterian farm hick upbringing kicked in, and we decided that the proper response was to send a gift. So we did.
Surprisingly, within a few days, one of the graduates sent us a nice thank you card, including a few personal words of appreciation. Very nice. We’ve had no response from the other recipient. Did that graduate get our gift? That’s what the giver often wonders when they don’t get a response from the recipient. OK, I confess. Because it was another Amazon cash gift card we do know he got it. He spent it.
Some years ago, I asked a new bride if she had received the wedding gift we had sent her a few months earlier. She said, “Yes, thank you! I didn’t send you a thank you card because I didn’t know what the postage was for sending a card all the way out to California.” Yes, the bride was a college graduate!
Some folks are just more considerate than others. I have one friend who always sends a thank you note. I appreciate it. Just recently, I was sorting through some old cards and came across a thank you note from a couple who had spent an afternoon with us during their travels. I had forgotten all about their visit. It brought such pleasant memories to mind. Their comment in the card said how much they enjoyed their visit.
One year, I actually got a Christmas card in lieu of a birthday card for my birthday. Apparently, the sender didn’t have time to buy me a birthday card, and had a few left over Christmas cards. Does that effort deserve a resounding thank you? Could it have been a joke? The jury is still out on that one, although I guess it’s the thought that counts!
Recently, a friend of mine lost a loved one. A few very close relatives never expressed their condolences to her – in any form! She’s wondering why. Do those people not know what to say? Are they perhaps grieving as well? Is it simply that some people can’t deal with the uncomfortable issues of life and death?
Tell me, is this a new approach to wedding announcements? A few weeks ago we received two advance notices of formal wedding invitations. The notices included joyful photographs of the happy couples. They recommended that we save the wedding dates, giving us plenty of time to make travel arrangements. One wedding date is a whole year from now! I don’t know about you, but at my age, I don’t plan that many things a year in advance! Hubby doesn’t even buy green bananas anymore!
I honestly don’t think the happy couples really thought we would attend their wedding ceremonies since they are both too far away. I barely know either groom. I have met one of the brides once, the other one I’ve never met. Could it be that these advance notices are now the modern, polite way to ask for a gift? Will we give them a gift? Of course! Why? Because I would feel guilty if we didn’t! Will we get a thank you? That remains to be seen! I will let you know! Hubby suggests that we enclose a pre-stamped, pre-addressed thank you card in each of our gifts to make it easy for them to express their most sincere gratitude. Maybe he’s smarter than I thought!
For most of us, it’s just common sense as to when one should say, “Thank You.” However, it never hurts to brush up on the latest advice on this subject. I found the following, somewhat controversial, rules for when to express your gratitude:
When receiving a compliment one should say thank you. That makes perfect sense to me, but it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes people will ruin the complement by deflecting it with their response. Examples: When I tell someone their dress looks nice and they respond, “This old thing?” If I tell someone they’ve lost weight and they respond, “I still have a lot more to go.” And on I rave.
If you are running late you should say thank you. “Thank you for your patience.” That’s not bad, but I always start with “I apologize for being late.” Better yet, of course, don’t be late. But sometimes you just can’t help it. I was driving to work one day when a large semi truck carrying hundreds of pigs overturned on the freeway I was on. There were pigs running around everywhere. Traffic came to a screeching halt. Needless to say, I was late for my doctor appointment.
So did I say, “Thank you for your patience,” to the doctor? No, I raved about having to dodge all those squealing pigs running amok on the freeway! Knowing my sense of humor, they thought I had made up that story. In the end, I was the one who got the apologies when they saw on the national TV news the amazing true story of gangs of runaway pigs shutting down a freeway in California.
Say thank you when comforting someone. “Thank you for sharing your grief with me.” I don’t think I’ve ever done that, but I do appreciate the sentiment. To the contrary, these are the responses to my expressions of personal worry or grief that I usually get: “Be thankful they are no longer suffering!” “Don’t worry, medicine has come a long way.” “Don’t worry, the surgery is no big deal!” or finally, “Things could be a lot worse!”
When receiving helpful feedback say thank you. That is a definite yes. Then why don’t we do it more? Because sometimes we don’t want anyone telling us what to do – helpful or not – even if it’s for our own good. I try to say thank you at those times, and usually do, but it isn’t always easy.
Say thank you when given unsolicited advice. This is a tough one. This can be hard to do. If you’re married, try giving unsolicited advice to your spouse. Not always welcomed. A wise, experienced spouse knows how to weasel word things to make the other spouse think they thought of the better way to do something. When I get Hubby to do something by adapting my idea, I always say things like, “How do you do it?” Even better, “When you are right you are right!” Better yet, “Wow! I wish I would have thought of that!” Trust me those gushing compliments go a long way – much further than any thank you!
The other day we received a Happy Anniversary card from some dear friends we hadn’t seen in years. It was totally unexpected, but very much appreciated. Their note also said they had already read both of my books, and are saving Hubby’s new book, “Murder and a Midnight Swim” to read during their vacation. That was such a day brightener. So to them – and to all my readers, I want to practice what I just preached about gratitude:
On this, the two-year anniversary of RobertaRaves.com, I want to say thank you to all those who have been so supportive of my blog. I truly appreciate you!
What are your thoughts about giving, receiving and showing gratitude? Should we keep giving to someone who doesn’t exhibit gratitude? Your comments and ideas are always welcome.
9 Comments
I didn’t read your recent Rave until just now and it is a sensitive topic for me, too. Years ago I skipped sending a birthday gift to one of my god-daughters (from my ex’s side) when she hadn’t sent a Thank you the year before. Since our only communication was typically only during Christmas and her birthday, I felt bad bad not getting that typical note. Shortly later it was time for her Confirmation and I wasn’t notified, although I had already purchased her gift. I eventually decided to ship it to her anyway, as I knew it’d be the only gift from a Godparent and she wouldn’t have been the one making decisions as to who was invited or not. I got a nice thank you and a thank you after every Christmas gift and Birthday that followed. Plus, my husband and I were invited and attended her wedding reception!
The majority of wedding/baby thank you notes now are mostly pre-printed and without any personal acknowledgement anyway so I don’t care as much as I did years ago. But, I worked retail for many years and when I buy something, I expect a thank you. Once in awhile, to the younger generation, I’ll say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear your thank you.” On the flip side, my husband thanks me after eating every meal I make.
However, the best thank you I ever got was 50+ years ago from the Dawson relative you and I both share. I imagine it was after my Confirmation when she sent me a thank you note for the nice thank you note I had sent her. She still remains an amazing woman!
I have a granddaughter who never says thank you. Since she lives so far away I usually send a check. I can live without the thank you but it does make me disgusted when I have to call to remind her to cash the check. Recently I sent a check for quite a bit of money to her children I never received even an acknowledgement they received it but again I had to remind her to cash them. I am done sending anything
First, THANK YOU for writing your Blog. I enjoy it!
Second, my Mother, who by the way, was one of nicest persons (said by others) taught me to do Thank You notes. She also said she would not send any more gifts to anyone who did not say Thank You in some way. I taught my children and they knew she wouldn’t so they always write Thank Yous to me as well because they know I follow the same rules. Now their children do the same too. It doesn’t hurt to let family know the rules. I accept phone calls, emails, notes, and texts. If they thank me I don’t care if it’s because they know they won’t get any more. It just means they do want it and therefore are Thankfull.
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Thank you for being you, Roberta. Always entertaining & unique. Hope you & Jim are doing well.
Couldn’t agree more about expressing your gratitude. I too send graduation
wedding birthday monies and always wonder if I’ll get a thank you. Some-
times I do, Yea. I hate to say it’s just the way it is now a day’s what are you
going to do. Some parents are just going to have to teach their children the
correct way to act in certain situations.
There is hope.
Thank you for brightening my Fridays. I love your blog. Also, thank you for allowing me to help with putters. I loved our time together.
Thanks for your thoughts. They are true and entertaining.
I gave 12 grad gifts/ cards this year and received one thank you. The reserve the date cards have been around a few years – it is meant as a kindness if you want to attend so you don’t run into conflicts. I used to “get annoyed with the no thank you’d but honestly don’t care anymore.
Roberta, thanks for sharing!