I’m starting to realize that my friends and I have come full circle! For years, we were concerned about our children being okay. We continue to worry today – but perhaps not as much as they are now grown adults. It seems the tables have turned. Lately, I’m hearing middle-aged kids wondering what to do about their senior parents!
It actually happened to me many years ago. When I was barely in my 40’s and divorced, my son said he wanted to have a serious discussion with me. Naturally, I became alarmed. Then he began: “Mom, I’m worried about what will happen as you age. Who’s going to take care of you?” I immediately guffawed, “I’M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!” And that was that!
As the years have progressed, I’m not sure about that proclamation now. Of course, Hubby is a great asset to have around. Who else would open jars? Who would edit my posts? And who would reach things on the higher shelves? I used to climb the stepladder – but not anymore. I’m afraid of falling! This is a valid fear on my part – as falling is the leading cause (25%) of death for people age 65 and older. I find myself becoming more cautious about many things. It has suddenly occurred to me that I’m not immortal!
So, now it’s the middle-aged kid’s turn to worry about their elderly parents. Are they capable of living alone in that big house? What if they fall? Are they eating healthy foods? Do they remember to take their meds? Is their house clean? How often do they bathe? Do they ever change their clothes? Are they lonely? What do they do all day? And on they rave.
I overheard this lively conversation between a 60-year old daughter and her mother of 80.
“Mother, you need to drink milk!”
“I don’t like milk!” the mother retorts.
“Milk is good for your bones, Mom. It has calcium – and at your age it’s important – so you won’t get osteoporosis.”
“Look, I don’t like milk! I’m 80-years old and I’ve never liked milk. I haven’t drunk milk for years – and I’m not about to start now!”
Then there’s the sensitive issue of seniors driving. Most seniors I know swear they are still capable drivers. Some of their kids disagree. I’ve heard stories about grown kids actually taking the car keys away from their aging parents. Most just lie, and tell their parents the keys got lost somehow! How they get by with such a flimsy excuse, I’ll never know!
One senior woman driver took a wrong turn. She ended up 200 miles from home before she realized she was lost. She called her daughter to come and get her! That caused quite a stir! No, you can’t leave an 80-year old Mom along the side of the road!
I live in a community that thousands of snowbirds flock to during the winter. Needless to say, most of them are retired senior citizens. It can be quite nerve-racking being on the roads when they are here. Some older drivers are prone to falling asleep at the wheel, prompting the old joke: I prefer to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandma, not screaming in terror like her passengers.
Yes, it’s sad when someone can no longer drive their own car. But what’s even sadder is when they’re not able to drive their golf cart! Don’t look askance. I’ve seen my share of golf cart accidents: driving into a water hazard, turning straight into a sand trap, or worse yet, driving into golfers or pedestrians. Hubby complains he misses the backing-up safety features we have in our car – but not on our golf cart.
So what about the various living options that seniors have? Well, they can stay in their own homes and engage the required caretaker support. They can get food preparation or delivery service. They can get house cleaning and home maintenance help. I know some folks who do just that. Are they satisfied? It depends. Some care workers may get on the senior’s nerves! One complaint I’ve heard is the caretaker isn’t a good cook – or won’t cook their favorite foods. I know one couple whose doting daughter does the cooking. She brings enough food for a few weeks over to her mother who freezes it. The caretaker then microwaves it as needed.
Sometimes, a grown kid may want their aging parent to move in with them! One huge problem! Grandma may not want to live with their kids! They couldn’t wait for those same kids to leave home, after all!
Moving into a small apartment may be a good idea. Is it better to locate the apartment near lifelong friends – or near family members? Usually, the kids win that contest and the move is made to an apartment near them. How does that work out? Not always great. Understandably, middle-aged kids are busy with their own lives and may not see their parents as often as everyone thought they would. And guess what? Not all seniors want to live close to their kids. Sometimes their kids get on their nerves – as they unload all their grievances on them – just like the prior fifty years! In addition, some of those grown kids may lack the common sense instilled in them by their parents!
Let’s face it, senior citizens want to have fun! They may prefer to be near their peers! Those peers are receptive to hearing complaints about kids and grandkids because they can reciprocate by relating similar complaints about their family. Sometimes, it can be quite a competition! Once the family issues are covered, they can move on to what they really want to talk about – all their ailments, aches and pains! That can take hours!
Another option for seniors is moving into a continuing living community. I love that term. It’s a new one for me. It sounds more upbeat than senior living or assisted living. Today, one million Americans live in assisted living facilities. Most facilities have different sized apartments to choose from and many serve meals. House cleaning services are frequently included, and all provide activities designed for seniors. Transportation is usually available. Healthcare may be nearby, on call, or even on-site at some of the larger facilities. I find it kind of inviting. I wondered aloud about moving to a continuing living community. Then my son asked if I really wanted to share a wall with someone else. No, I don’t think I do – at least not yet.
I’ve heard of some adventurous folks who actually live on cruises full time! That takes a bit of money, of course. One option is a three-year Life at Sea Cruise operated by Miray Cruises starting at $29,999 per person per year. The MV Gemini visits 375 worldwide ports, spending multiple days in many ports. There’s a 24-hour, on-call hospital, which includes free medical visits, learning and enrichment classes, and opportunities to volunteer. Then there’s the food – would you get real fat?
I’m no longer around little kids very often, but I came across this cute story written by an elementary student. After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write about how they spent their holiday. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don’t have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night — early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
So what are your thoughts about seniors driving, senior living options and the pros and cons of living close to friends or family? I always welcome and appreciate your comments.
6 Comments
A friend was just admitted to the hospital after doctors missed diagnosing congestive heart failure. She promptly told her son she did not want to return to her home to live alone, so will be moving into a retirement facility, once stable. I think this was an intelligent decision by a wise woman. She had done everything to extend her independence, including moving her sleeping quarters to the suite downstairs, etc. but this was the deal maker. In anticipation of that move for ourselves, we are building a house in SC with our single daughter, we have our own suite & share the “gathering” room – one small step. Sharing the kitchen may be problematic! It will give us a chance to look around the area for a suitable retirement community. We have lived in this house for 40 years & in Michigan for 50, so I have some anxiety about such a big lifestyle change.
I still get on my step stool despite having vertigo from Meniere’s but I’ve dealt with that for 40 years. Don’t like driving at night, can’t open some jars, the can opener kills my wrist, Oh Lawd! I hate milk too & after being told by every other person & their mother that I don’t drink enough water I tried to force down 4 big glasses a day. A blood test revealed to my doctor that I have low sodium & he tells me to be careful & not flush my system by drinking too much water! Can’t win!
$30,000.00 pp per year to live on a ship doesn’t sound all that bad really, it covers, granted a small room & all that lovely food. The kid take on retirement had us both in stitches!
It seems like yesterday my gym friends & I were complaining & comparing notes on rotten teenagers, while we laughed at the older set who were comparing ailments, surgeries & medications. Now we are it!
Jody has neighbors who shouldn’t be driving any more. He won’t listen to anyone. Maybe after he kills somebody. Your blog is about granny. How about grandpa
Live and love independently until you cannot!
How true. We all have been there.
Oh my, I resemble this article. We recently moved to a continuing care retirement community. I like continuing living community better. In our cycle of life, it took us years to convince my mother-in-law to move out of her house after my father-in-law passed away, and years after we hid her car keys. It was a great move, and we decided not to our kids through the turmoil of moving, and we did it on our own. We haven’t crossed the bridge of giving up driving yet. I wonder how that will go.
Loved “what about Granny” I guess the reason why is because I am a Granny.
But I don’t like that name for me because it sounds so old, I’ll take Nonie or
Grandma any day. I find that I do not have most of the aging issues as the above
“older” – or am I kidding myself? Hubby as you call Jim and I have not come to
the issue about leaving our home for assisted living, not really caring to live
with either daughter but I suppose the time will come. Preferably our wish is to
PASS in the NIGHT together and not have to bother the children. One can dream
can’t we?? Happy dreams everyone.